http://www.myfunnyweb.com Share jokes and earn with revenue sharing options © Copyright MyFunnyWeb.com All Rights Reserved http://www.myfunnyweb.com/images/rss.png http://www.myfunnyweb.com 48 48 http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Fly--baby--fly-_6205.htm A police officer arrives at an accident scene whereapparently three blondes have leaped to their deathfrom a very tall building... he suddenly notices thatone is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:"why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap outof that building"The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted totry out our new maxi-pads with wings"... Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/At-the-Amusement-Park_13841.htm A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored."What would you like to do next" he asked."I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do."I wanna be weighed," she said.I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight""Wousy!" said the girl. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Snake-jokes_25031.htm What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese Thanks, I'll just have a sliver ! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Always-By-My-Side_11405.htm A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what" "What dear" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Fly-Buzzing_13598.htm Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's headA: A Space Invader. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Baseball-in-Heaven_10262.htm Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond."Bob, Is that you" Earl asked."Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven""Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first""Tell me the good news first.""Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.""Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news""You're pitching tomorrow night." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/A-DAY-OFF_14237.htm So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Insect-jokes_22290.htm How does a queen bee get around her hive She's throne ! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Australian-Kiss_14202.htm Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss isA. It's like a French kiss, but down under. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Baby-jokes_17485.htm Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/The-talking-banana_13303.htm Q: What did the banana say to the vibratorA: Why the hell are you shaking Shes gonna eat me! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dog-Rules_13800.htm Dog Rules...1. The dog is not allowed in the house.2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Monster-jokes_23803.htm What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other I didn't know we lived on the same block. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Rabbit-jokes_24603.htm Why did the rabbits go on strike They wanted a better celery! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/My-Paw_16030.htm A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/If-you-cloned-Henry-IV..._9106.htm If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Like-and-Love_15152.htm What is the difference between 'like' and 'love' Answer: spit and swallow! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Soap-dispenser_7573.htm Two priests are off to the showers late one night.They undress and step in the showers before theyrealize there is no soap. Father John says he hassome soap in his room and goes to get it, notbothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap inhis hands and heads back to the showers. He getshalfway down the hall when he sees three nunsheading his way. Having no place to hide, hestands against the wall and freezes like he's astatue.The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls hisdick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap."Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."To test her theory she also pulls his dick...andsure enough he drops the last bar of soap. Thethird nun then pulls, first once, then twice andthree times. Still nothing happens. So she triesonce more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Knock-Knock-jokes_22888.htm Knock Knock Who's there ! Bunny ! Bunny who Bunny thing is, I've forgotten now !kn Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dentist-jokes_19836.htm What does a dentist do on a roller coaster...He braces himself Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Blonde-jokes_18114.htm What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you Pull the pin and throw it back! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Clarinet-jokes_10598.htm Q: What's the definition of a nerdA: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboardA: So they can park in the handicap zones.Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brainA: Gifted.Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onionA: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loudA: You can almost hear them.Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louderA: You can't! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dinosaur-jokes_19882.htm Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs To give the ants a chance. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Greenhorn-In-Alaska_13975.htm A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman."No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Cow-jokes_19606.htm Why don't cows ever have any money Because the farmers milk them dry! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Criminal-jokes_16519.htm Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son What is your final request" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Question-answer-03_10292.htm What's the chilliest ground in the premiershipCold Trafford! How did the footbal pitch end up as triangleSomebody took a corner! Why didn't the dog want to play footballIt was a boxer! What did they call Dracula when he won the leagueThe champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supplyPaul gas coin! Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's timeYoung player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottomCaptain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: HowCaptain: There could have been more teams in the league! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Cat-jokes_19030.htm Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross - A: A first-aid kit! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Good-News--Bad-News--Worse-News-VII_7049.htm Good News, Bad News, Worse News VII Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Phrases-Useful-in-the-Workplace_13908.htm 1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.13. No, my powers can only be used for good.14. How about never Is never good for you15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.20. Who me I just wander from room to room.21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Knock-Knock-jokes_22843.htm Knock Knock Who's there ! Bolivia ! Boliva who Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about ! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Virus-Alert_6549.htm Virus AlertThere is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated throughthe email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUSALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scramblesthe second half of every text file on your system.VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Various-animal-jokes_25712.htm Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him He stung her into action. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Time-to-quit_6050.htm As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do youknow what time we quit around here " he asked."Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Why-are-spiders-like-tops_10527.htm Why are spiders like topsThey are always spinning! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dirty-jokes_20092.htm Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/MADE-FOR-TV_10861.htm Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/A-blonde-walks-into-the-police-department-looking-for-a-job..._6270.htm A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2 Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100 Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Really-torrid-honeymoon_6874.htm After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey " "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/What-do-you-call-a-vegetarian-with-diahrrea_7286.htm What do you call a vegetarian with diahrreaA salad shooter. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Knock-Knock-jokes_22852.htm Knock Knock Who's there ! Boris ! Boris who Boris with more knock knock jokes ! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Signs-that-you-may-be-a-drunk-_13122.htm *** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***You lose arguments with inanimate objects.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.Your job is interfering with your drinking.Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence I think not!Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.Every woman you see has an exact twin.You fall off the floor.Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!The glass keeps missing your mouth.Bill Clinton starts to make sense.Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in."Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store."BeerTender! Get me another Bar!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dance-jokes_19718.htm Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam Because the top said, "Twist to open." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/boat-troubles_5402.htm During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Yo-momma-jokes_26210.htm Yo mama's so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dirty-jokes_20087.htm Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Waiter-jokes_25816.htm Customer: Waiter, look at this chicken! It's nothing but skin and bones. Waiter: Would you like the feathers, too Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Ed-and-Ted-met-for-the-first-time-in-twenty-years..._8908.htm Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you" Ed asked."Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.""Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in""I sell lucky charms," said Ted. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Waiter-jokes_25791.htm Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Baby_13532.htm Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son. "See It's a baby," I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird."I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby," he was saying."He sounds just like his father," my daughter replied! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/How-do-you-break-a-blonde-s-nose_6265.htm How do you break a blonde's nosePlace a dildo under a glass table! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/How-come-Mexico-never-has-a-good-Olympic-team_6688.htm How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Martha-Stewart-vs-Me_12108.htm Martha Stewart vs Me...Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anywayMartha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.My way: Celery Never heard of the stuff.Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.Martha's way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.My way: Leftover wineMartha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/A-cop-sees-a-car-weaving-all-over-the-road-and-pulls-it-over..._8160.htm A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Prison-Versus-Housewives_9759.htm In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Hair-and-bald-jokes_21676.htm What's your dad getting for Christmas Bald and fat. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Where-the-winds-blow._16170.htm Q. Why does the wind blow from the north in IndianaA. Kentucky sucks. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Yo-mama-is-so-fat.....website_5783.htm Yo mama is so fat her ass formed it's own website. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Bird-jokes_17966.htm What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk A bird that stinks to high heaven. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Telephone-jokes_16833.htm At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Tombstone-Epitaph-VII_7340.htm Tombstone Epitaph Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:I was somebody.Who, is no business of yours. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Monster-jokes_23722.htm What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels A monster on roller-skates. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Let-me-say-grace-_16246.htm A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants."Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."The young man makes his purchase and leaves.Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Doctor-and-nurse-jokes_20370.htm Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Gorilla-Golf_5649.htm A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!" Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee." When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that!" There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money." As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt" The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/What-a-Woman-Really-Needs_7202.htm A couple was having some trouble, so they did the rightthing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits,and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor saidthat he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand,and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "thisis what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, whattime do you want me to bring her back tomorrow" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/What-are-the-worst-3-years-of-a-blondes-life_6209.htm What are the worst 3 years of a blondes lifeThe 1st grade. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Uncovering-a-scam_10774.htm The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/No-Fishing-_12675.htm A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing""Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her."But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman."I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Letter-jokes_23084.htm When is a letter damp When it has postage due (dew). Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/A-closer-call_7680.htm The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Grounds-for-Divorce_15990.htm A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He istaking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you havegrounds for a divorce"To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres.""No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up" asks the attorney."No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do youhave a grudge"Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce""Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Clinton-jokes_19317.htm Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly A: Heredity. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Police-jokes_24486.htm A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted t he speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass.... Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Weather-jokes_25880.htm What is a Mexican weather report Chilli today, hot tamale. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dirty-jokes_20107.htm Why did God create women To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Christmas-jokes_19265.htm Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage Because it has long-distance runners on each side. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/School-jokes_24966.htm If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left I don't know. Why not In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/What-did-the-egg-say-to-the-boiling-water_7433.htm What did the egg say to the boiling water"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard!"Sent by Sarah Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/What-s-your-wife-s-name_9465.htm St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven."Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler."I was a good father," he answers."Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, lets get out of here." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Funny-jokes---50-best-jokes_16897.htm Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe s and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/New-person-in-prison_9752.htm A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Telephone-jokes_25395.htm How does a football player make phone calls On a touch-down phone. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Monster-jokes_23767.htm Why is the monsters' football pitch wet Because the players keep dribbling on it. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Sport-jokes_25198.htm Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear Because he liked sole music! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Buckwheat--n-Darla_15158.htm Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'"Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb.""Now spell 'stupid'."Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence." "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Different-Treatments_6890.htm A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts." "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Why-did-the-monkey-fall-out-of-the-tree_5886.htm Why did the monkey fall out of the tree - Because it was dead. Why did the baby fall out of the tree - Because it was stapled to the monkey. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Religious-jokes_24651.htm A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Want-some-chicken_5854.htm Want some chicken A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Two-buddies-get-together-and-decide-to..._8528.htm Two buddies get together and decide togo to a whorehouse, one of them tired ofdoing it with his wife all the time, theother not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up andcomes down and says " My wife is muchbetter". "Allright" goes the other guy," Let me go try the same woman."Well he goes and screws the whore,comes than says to his buddy, " You areright man, Your wife is much better." Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Insult-Collection--1_11562.htm If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis You're a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff You get into people's hair. I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. You should toss out more of your funny remarks that's all they're good for. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/A-divorced-woman-had-been-on-her-own-for-several-months..._7667.htm A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and wasstarting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got and itchy pussy...." The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/The-elephant\-s-trunk-transplant_16310.htm Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting mypenis erect, can you help me"After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well theproblem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penisare damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except ifyou're willing to try an experimental treatment."Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment" "Well," the doctorexplains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of ababy elephant and implant them in your penis."Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go forit."A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light touse his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for hisgirl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in thecity. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legsthat continued to the point of being uncomfortable.To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediatelysprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed adinner roll and then returned to his pants.His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,"That was incredible! Can you do that again"Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit anotherdinner roll up my ass!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Do-you-know-how..._13278.htm A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Little-Tommy-is-at-the-zoo-on-a-school-visit..._6454.htm Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss"Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dishwasher-Repair_14355.htm What do you do if your dishwasher stops workingSlap the bitch! Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Idiot-and-fool-jokes_22194.htm Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers They cause too much brain damage. Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Presidential-election_12285.htm Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush" Joke Added By admin http://www.myfunnyweb.com/Dance-jokes_19712.htm What animals are poor dancers Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet. Joke Added By admin